Grief After the Death of a Child

A child means a child of any age

People sometimes assume that the death of a young child must feel different from the death of an adult son or daughter. The circumstances will be different, but the parent-child relationship does not end when somebody reaches adulthood.

An adult child may have been a parent, partner or grandparent themselves. Their death can affect several generations of the family, while their parents are left grieving both the person they knew and the future they expected to share.

Child Bereavement UK’s guidance about the death of an adult child recognises that the role of a parent lasts throughout life.

The death of a baby during pregnancy, at birth or shortly afterwards is also the death of a child. The length of a baby’s life does not measure the love, hopes and future invested in them.

There is no set pattern to grief

You may experience shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, sadness, numbness or fear. These feelings may come separately, all at once or not at all.

Some parents describe feeling as though they are moving through the day without fully being part of it. Others concentrate on practical arrangements because those are the only things they can manage. There may be moments when you laugh or become absorbed in an ordinary task, followed by guilt because you briefly thought about something else.

None of these reactions tells you how much you loved your child.

Grief is not a series of stages you must complete. Feelings may return unexpectedly, and a difficult day after a calmer period does not mean you have gone backwards.

The early days may feel unreal

Immediately after a death, there may be people to contact, decisions to make and information to absorb.

If the death was sudden or unexpected, there may also be involvement from the coroner, police or hospital teams. Waiting for answers can add another layer of uncertainty and distress.

You do not need to remember everything you are told. It may help to:

• have someone with you during important conversations;
• write down names and telephone numbers;
• ask professionals to explain unfamiliar terms;
• request important information in writing;
• make notes about questions you want to ask;
• allow trusted people to handle routine messages; and
• tell people when you are not ready to make a decision.

Some decisions will have a deadline, but others can wait. Ask what genuinely needs to happen now and what can be considered later.

Parents and partners may grieve differently

Two people can love the same child and respond to their death in very different ways.

One person may need to talk repeatedly about what happened. Another may become quiet or concentrate on work and practical tasks. One may want photographs and reminders nearby, while the other finds them overwhelming at first.

Different responses do not mean that one person is grieving more deeply or cares less. However, they can leave each person feeling isolated at a time when they expected to understand one another completely.

Try, where possible, to explain what you need without assuming the other person needs the same. This might be time together, some time alone, help with practical tasks or permission to talk about your child without trying to solve anything.

Support outside the relationship can also give each person somewhere to speak freely.

Grief can affect your body as well as your emotions

Bereavement can disturb sleep, appetite, concentration and memory. You may feel exhausted but unable to rest, or find that simple decisions take far more effort than usual.

Advice about eating well, exercising or maintaining a routine can feel unrealistic when getting through the day is already difficult.

Try to reduce things to what is manageable. That might mean drinking some water, eating something simple, taking prescribed medication or accepting an offer of practical help.

If you are concerned about your physical health, cannot sleep for a prolonged period or are finding it increasingly difficult to function, speak to your GP. The NHS guidance on grief and bereavement explains when further support may be helpful.

Supporting brothers and sisters

Siblings can grieve just as deeply as adults, but children and young people may express their feelings differently.

A child might move between sadness and ordinary play, repeatedly ask the same questions, become anxious about other people dying or show changes in sleep, behaviour or schoolwork.

Use clear, honest language appropriate to their age. Expressions such as “gone to sleep” or “we have lost them” can be confusing, particularly for younger children. Child Bereavement UK recommends simple explanations using direct words such as “died” and “dead”.

Reassure them that:

• the death was not their fault;
• they cannot catch death like an illness;
• it is all right to ask questions;
• they do not have to hide their feelings to protect adults;
• it is still acceptable to play, laugh and see friends; and
• somebody will continue to care for them.

Children may need explanations repeated as they grow and begin to understand death differently.

Grandparents are grieving too

Grandparents may be grieving for their grandchild while also watching their own son or daughter experience profound pain.

They may feel pressure to remain strong, manage practical responsibilities or support other grandchildren. Their own relationship with the child can become overlooked.

A grandparent may need support in their own right rather than being treated only as somebody helping the parents. The Compassionate Friends provides peer support for bereaved parents, adult siblings and grandparents.

Other people may not know what to say

Friends, relatives and colleagues may worry that mentioning your child will remind you of what happened. Of course, you have not forgotten.

Many parents appreciate hearing their child’s name and knowing that other people remember them. Others may not want to talk at a particular moment. Both responses are understandable.

You can tell people what feels helpful:

• “I’d like to talk about her.”
• “Please keep using his name.”
• “I don’t want to discuss what happened today.”
• “I don’t need advice, but I would appreciate some company.”
• “Could you help with shopping or collecting the children?”

You should not have to manage everybody else’s discomfort, but a clear request may help the people who genuinely want to support you.

Returning to work and ordinary routines

There may come a point when you need or want to return to work. This does not mean that your grief has ended.

Concentration, confidence and tolerance for everyday pressures may be different for some time. You might want to discuss a gradual return, altered duties, a quieter workspace or what colleagues should be told.

Particular dates or conversations may catch you unexpectedly. Having one trusted person at work who understands the situation can make it easier to step away when needed.

Some people find routine helpful. Others find that returning to familiar places makes the child’s absence more noticeable. There is no single approach that suits everyone.

Finding support from people who understand

Family and friends can provide valuable support, but there may be things you find easier to say to somebody outside your immediate circle.

Specialist organisations can offer information, listening support, groups and contact with other bereaved families:

• Child Bereavement UK supports families when a baby or child of any age dies and also helps children facing bereavement.
• The Compassionate Friends provides peer support for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents after the death of a child of any age.
• Sands supports people affected by pregnancy loss and the death of a baby.
• Cruse Bereavement Support provides bereavement information and support more generally.

You do not have to join a group or speak before you are ready. Some people value meeting others with similar experiences, while others prefer individual support or reading reliable information privately.

Our wider guide to grief, loneliness and finding support looks at day-to-day isolation, asking for company and gradually finding forms of connection that feel manageable.

Remembering your child

There is no need to decide immediately how you will remember your child in the years ahead.

Some families create a place they can visit. Others keep photographs, write memories, support a charity, plant something, mark a birthday or continue a tradition their child enjoyed.

You might choose to:

• make a memory box or album;
• keep cards, letters or messages from friends;
• write down stories as you remember them;
• wear or carry a small keepsake;
• create an annual family tradition;
• support a cause connected with your child;
• visit a meaningful place; or
• talk about them naturally as part of family life.

There is no correct memorial, and you do not have to do something public. What feels comforting to one person may feel uncomfortable to another.

Birthdays, anniversaries and family occasions

The approach to a birthday, anniversary or holiday can sometimes feel harder than the day itself.

You may want to make a plan, or you may prefer to decide when the day arrives. You can accept some invitations and decline others. You can continue familiar traditions, change them or do nothing at all.

It can help to tell close family what you would prefer rather than leaving everyone to guess. Your wishes may change from one year to the next.

New family events can also hold mixed feelings. A birth, wedding or achievement may bring genuine happiness alongside renewed awareness that your child is absent. Both feelings can exist together.

When you need more help

There is no point at which you should have “finished” grieving. Seeking professional support is not an admission that you are grieving incorrectly.

Speak to your GP or another healthcare professional if you are concerned about persistent anxiety, depression, trauma symptoms, your physical health or your ability to manage everyday life.

If you feel unable to keep yourself safe or believe that you are facing an immediate mental-health emergency, follow the NHS guidance for urgent mental-health help or ask someone you trust to help you access urgent support.

Your relationship with your child continues

The nature of that relationship has changed, but your child remains part of your life and your family’s story.

You may continue to speak their name, tell their stories, think about what they would have enjoyed or imagine how old they would now be. Remembering them does not prevent you from living. Moments of pleasure do not mean you have left them behind.

There may never be a neat point at which grief is complete. Over time, many parents describe learning to carry their child’s memory alongside the life that continues around them.

You do not have to work out what that future looks like today.