Recording Your Funeral Wishes

Start with the choices that matter most

There is no need to design the whole funeral in one sitting. Begin with the decisions that would make the greatest difference to you.

You might want to record:

• whether you would prefer burial or cremation;
• where you would like the funeral or committal to take place;
• whether you want an attended service;
• whether the ceremony should be religious, non-religious or a mixture of both;
• whether you would prefer a formal funeral or something quieter and more relaxed; and
• what you would like to happen to your ashes, if you choose cremation.

It is equally helpful to record things you definitely don’t want. A short note saying “no black clothing”, “family flowers only” or “no religious content” may be more useful than several pages of general ideas.

Our overview of funeral services explains the main choices if you would like to understand the possibilities before writing anything down.

You don’t need to choose between “traditional” and “personal”

A traditional funeral can still be deeply personal. A less formal ceremony can still include familiar rituals, hymns or prayers.

You might choose a church service followed by burial or cremation, a complete ceremony at the crematorium, a smaller service in a private chapel or an unattended cremation followed by a separate memorial gathering. If the location matters to you, our guide to choosing a crematorium near Heathfield explains the main local options.

The important question is not whether the funeral fits a particular label. It is whether the arrangements feel right for you and the people who will be saying goodbye.

Think about how you would like the service to feel

Some people know exactly what atmosphere they want. Others find it easier to describe what would make them uncomfortable.

Would you prefer something quiet and reflective, or would you like the service to include humour and lively music? Should people dress formally, wear bright colours or simply come as they are?

You could make a note of:

• music, hymns or particular recordings;
• readings, poems, prayers or passages of scripture;
• people you might like to speak;
• whether photographs should be displayed;
• colours, flowers or a particular theme;
• whether the coffin should be draped with a flag or insignia;
• a charity you would like people to support; and
• whether you would like a gathering after the service.

These are preferences rather than a list of instructions your family must somehow follow perfectly. Giving them a sense of the atmosphere you would like can be just as valuable as choosing every individual detail.

Leave some information about your life

One of the most helpful things you can record is information about yourself.

When families arrange a funeral, they often know the important stories but may be uncertain about dates, names or parts of a person’s earlier life. Writing down a few details now can make preparing a tribute or eulogy much easier later.

You might include:

• where and when you were born;
• the names of your parents and siblings;
• places you have lived;
• schools, military service or qualifications;
• jobs and voluntary work;
• relationships, children and grandchildren;
• hobbies, interests and achievements;
• favourite places, music, books or pastimes;
• stories your family may not have heard; and
• people who should be told when you die.

It doesn’t need to read like a formal biography. Notes, dates, names and short memories are enough. Your family can shape them into something appropriate when the time comes.

Burial and cremation wishes

If you would prefer burial, it helps to record whether there is an existing family grave or a particular cemetery, churchyard or natural burial ground you have in mind.

Owning a grave or having relatives buried in a churchyard does not always guarantee that another burial will be possible. The burial authority may need to check ownership, space and eligibility. Treat the location as a preference unless the position has already been confirmed.

If you would prefer cremation, you could say whether you want an attended funeral, a smaller farewell before an unattended cremation or a completely unattended cremation followed by a memorial event.

You can also record what you would like to happen to your ashes. They might be:

• scattered in a meaningful place;
• buried in a cemetery or churchyard;
• placed in a family grave;
• kept by your family;
• divided between suitable keepsakes; or
• left for your family to decide.

Permission may be needed before ashes can be scattered or buried on land you don’t own, so it is sensible to describe the place without assuming that permission will automatically be granted.

Consider the practical side as well

Recording your wishes is not the same as agreeing to spend a particular amount of money.

It is helpful to be honest about priorities. You may feel strongly about having a particular type of coffin, vehicle or venue. Alternatively, you may prefer your family to keep the arrangements simple and use their judgement.

You could explain which elements matter most and where you would be happy for alternatives to be chosen. This gives your family some flexibility if prices, availability or circumstances have changed.

Current information about likely expenses is available on our funeral costs page. Avoid writing fixed prices into your wishes because funeral and third-party charges will change over time.

Recording wishes is different from paying for a funeral

You don’t need a prepaid funeral plan to make your preferences known.

A written record describes what you would like. A prepaid plan is a separate financial product intended to cover specified funeral services. Funeral-plan providers are regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority, and plans vary in what they guarantee or exclude. MoneyHelper explains how regulated funeral plans work.

Wealden Funeral Services does not currently sell or administer new funeral plans. You can still record your wishes without buying anything or entering into a financial agreement.

Are funeral wishes legally binding?

Funeral wishes are not legally enforceable in the same way as instructions dealing with your estate. The person legally entitled to make the arrangements will retain the final decision.

That does not make recording your wishes pointless. Most families want to respect the preferences of the person who has died, and clear guidance can be enormously helpful. It is best to discuss your wishes with the people likely to make the arrangements rather than relying on a document they may not find in time. Age UK’s funeral-planning guidance also recommends giving the completed record to someone you trust.

Be careful not to confuse funeral wishes with an advance decision—sometimes called a living will—which concerns medical treatment and has a different legal purpose.

Should funeral wishes go in your will?

You can mention funeral preferences in your will, but it may not be the best place for the only copy.

The funeral often needs to be arranged before the will has been located or fully reviewed. A separate document can be easier to find, discuss and update without changing the will itself.

Keep a copy somewhere secure but accessible, and tell the relevant people where it is. You might give copies to:

• your spouse or partner;
• the person likely to arrange the funeral;
• your executor;
• another trusted relative or friend; and
• your chosen funeral director, if they offer to retain one.

If you alter your wishes, replace the old copies so there is no uncertainty about which version is current.

Talk to the people closest to you

Writing everything down is useful, but a conversation is even better.

Your family may have questions or practical concerns you haven’t considered. They may also be relieved to know that talking about your funeral is acceptable and that they aren’t upsetting you by asking what you want.

Try to make it a conversation rather than a set of demands. A funeral is for the person who has died, but it also has an important purpose for those who remain. Leaving some room for your family to make choices can help them create a farewell that respects you and supports them.

Review your wishes occasionally

Your preferences may change. A particular person may no longer be available to lead the service, you may move home, or a venue or funeral option may change.

Look over your notes every few years and after a significant change in your life. Add a date to each version so everyone can tell which is the most recent.

You can change your mind as often as you like. Recording your wishes is there to help you and your family; it should never make you feel tied to decisions that no longer suit you.

You can record as much—or as little—as you want

Some people enjoy thinking about the music, readings and small personal details. Others only want to settle the broad choices and leave everything else to their family. Our ideas for personalising a funeral can provide a few prompts without suggesting that every detail needs to be decided in advance.

You may also want to record whether you would prefer a minister, faith leader or celebrant to conduct the ceremony. Our guide to what a funeral celebrant does explains the different roles and approaches.

Both approaches are perfectly reasonable.

A useful record might be several pages long, or it might simply say:

• I would prefer to be cremated.
• I would like a small, non-religious service.
• Please play music people will remember me by.
• I would prefer donations to flowers.
• Everything else can be decided by my family.

That is enough to provide direction without placing pressure on anyone to recreate a rigid plan.

Recording your funeral wishes is not about controlling every detail from a distance. It is about making your preferences known, starting an honest conversation and giving the people closest to you a little more certainty when they may need it most.