How to Write a Eulogy

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a spoken tribute to the person who has died. It may describe parts of their life, their character, the relationships that mattered to them and the difference they made to other people.

It can be delivered by a relative, friend, colleague, minister or celebrant. Several people can contribute, and the person who writes it does not have to be the person who reads it.

Eulogies are not limited to non-religious funerals. A personal tribute can form part of a religious, civil or humanist ceremony. The Church of England describes remembering and honouring the person’s life as part of the funeral, while Humanists UK explains that a eulogy gives colour and character to a personal ceremony.

You don’t have to tell their entire life story

One of the biggest pressures people place on themselves is trying to include everything.

A person’s life cannot be reduced to a complete list of dates, jobs, relationships and achievements. Nor does it need to be. A few carefully chosen details often tell us far more than a long catalogue of events.

Think about what you would most like someone to understand about them.

Were they quietly generous? Fiercely independent? Always late? Known for feeding everybody who came through the door? Did they have a dry sense of humour, a particular turn of phrase or a habit the family will always remember?

Those recognisable details are often what bring a eulogy to life.

Begin by collecting memories

Don’t worry about writing the opening sentence straight away. Start by making notes.

Write down whatever comes to mind, without trying to put it in the correct order. You might include:

• where they grew up;
• important relationships and family connections;
• work, voluntary service or military service;
• interests, skills and favourite pastimes;
• qualities people admired in them;
• sayings, habits or small routines;
• stories that show their character;
• challenges they faced;
• achievements they were proud of;
• places that mattered to them; and
• things people will miss.

You may find that one memory leads naturally to another. At this stage, a collection of rough notes is far more useful than a polished paragraph.

Ask other people what they remember

Even when you knew the person extremely well, you only saw part of their life.

A sibling may remember their childhood. A former colleague may know about kindnesses nobody at home ever heard about. Grandchildren may remember traditions and jokes that would otherwise be missed.

You could ask:

• What is the first thing you think of when you picture them?
• What made them laugh?
• What were they particularly good at?
• What did they care about?
• Is there a story that sums them up?
• What did they teach you?
• What will you miss most?

You won’t be able to use every contribution, but collecting them can help you see the themes that run through the person’s life.

If several family members want to contribute, one person can bring their memories together into a single tribute. Alternatively, two or three people can each speak about a different part of the person’s life.

Find the thread that holds it together

Once you have gathered your notes, look for a central thread.

It may be a quality such as kindness, loyalty, humour or determination. It could be their devotion to family, a working life they were proud of or the way they made people feel welcome.

You don’t have to announce that theme formally. It can simply guide which memories you include.

For example, if someone was known for helping others, you might mention their profession, voluntary work and the neighbour whose shopping they collected every week. Three different parts of their life then come together naturally.

A simple structure can make writing easier

There is no compulsory format, but a straightforward structure can help you organise your thoughts.

You might use:

• an introduction explaining who you are and your relationship to the person;
• a brief account of their life, including the details most relevant to their story;
• their character and values, shown through a few memories or examples;
• what they meant to other people and the difference they made; and
• a closing thought, memory or simple goodbye.

This is only a framework. You can change the order, focus on one period of their life or build the whole tribute around a handful of stories.

How to begin

The first sentence often feels like the hardest, so keep it simple.

You could begin by introducing yourself: “My name is Sarah, and John was my uncle.”

Or begin with the quality people most associated with them: “If you knew Margaret, you will know that nobody ever left her house hungry.”

You might start with a familiar phrase: “Dad had an answer for everything—although it was not always the answer you expected.”

An opening does not have to sound grand. Its job is simply to help you begin and invite everyone into the person’s story.

Use stories to show who they were

A statement such as “he was generous” tells us something. A short story showing how he quietly helped someone tells us much more.

Choose stories that people can follow easily and that reveal something about the person. They do not all need to concern major events. Ordinary memories can be some of the most affecting:

• the meal they cooked every Sunday;
• the way they greeted the family dog before anybody else;
• their insistence on arriving everywhere half an hour early;
• a favourite chair nobody else was allowed to use;
• the telephone call they made at the same time each week; or
• the advice they gave whenever someone was in trouble.

You may need to explain names, places or background details that will not be familiar to everyone listening.

It is all right to include humour

A funeral tribute does not have to be solemn from beginning to end.

Gentle humour can provide warmth and allow people to recognise the person as they really were. A story about a harmless mishap, familiar expression or much-loved eccentricity may bring welcome laughter.

The safest humour is affectionate rather than embarrassing. Avoid private jokes that most people will not understand or stories that could upset someone who is present.

If you are uncertain, read the passage to another person who knew them and ask how it feels.

What if the relationship was complicated?

Not every relationship is uncomplicated, and not every life can be described honestly using only glowing praise.

You do not have to pretend the person was perfect. Neither is the eulogy the place to settle an argument or disclose something that could cause unnecessary hurt.

It is possible to be kind without being dishonest. You might focus on factual parts of their life, qualities you genuinely recognised, the relationships that brought them happiness or memories that feel safe to share.

If writing the tribute feels particularly difficult, the minister, celebrant or funeral director can help you find an appropriate balance.

How long should a eulogy be?

There is no ideal length that suits every funeral. The available time will depend on the venue, the ceremony and how many other people are speaking.

Before writing too much, check how long has been allowed for the tribute. Crematorium services, in particular, usually have a defined booking period that must also accommodate music, readings and the arrival and departure of those attending.

Reading the draft aloud is the best way to judge its length. People often speak more slowly at a funeral than they do in ordinary conversation, particularly when they need to pause or manage emotion.

If the tribute is too long, look for repeated ideas before removing the stories that give it personality. Memories that do not fit can still be shared at the gathering afterwards or kept in a written family copy.

Write for speaking, not silent reading

A sentence that looks elegant on a page may be awkward to say aloud.

Use words you would naturally use in conversation. Shorter sentences give you room to breathe, and clear paragraphs make it easier to find your place.

As you edit:

• read every section aloud;
• shorten sentences that leave you short of breath;
• replace formal words you would not normally say;
• check the pronunciation of unfamiliar names or places;
• mark places where you want to pause; and
• print the final version in a clear, comfortable type size.

There is no need to memorise it. Having the complete text in front of you can be reassuring, even if you know most of it already.

Using a poem, reading or quotation

A short reading or quotation can sometimes express something you have found difficult to put into your own words.

Choose something that genuinely connects with the person or the relationship rather than including a poem simply because it is commonly used at funerals.

Copyright can apply to modern poems, song lyrics and published writing. A short quotation may be appropriate, but copying or publishing a complete work may require permission. The minister or celebrant can help you choose a suitable reading and establish how it will be used.

If the person had a favourite saying, a line they often repeated or words they wrote themselves, these may provide a particularly personal way to close the tribute.

Practise—but don’t try to remove every emotion

Reading the eulogy aloud a few times will help you become familiar with its shape and identify any difficult passages.

Practising does not mean you have to deliver it without emotion. Nobody will expect that.

On the day:

• keep a glass of water nearby if possible;
• place the pages in the correct order;
• number them in case they become separated;
• speak more slowly than feels natural;
• pause when you need to;
• look up only when you feel comfortable; and
• take your time before continuing if you become upset.

A pause will feel much longer to you than it does to everybody listening.

Have someone ready to help

It can be reassuring to give a copy to the person leading the service or to another trusted person.

If you reach a point where you cannot continue, they can come forward and finish the tribute. You might also decide beforehand that you would rather write the words and ask someone else to read them.

That does not make the tribute any less personal. The care lies in gathering the memories and choosing the words, not in forcing yourself to speak when it feels too difficult.

If a celebrant is leading the ceremony, our guide to what a funeral celebrant does explains how they can help shape, check or deliver the tribute.

Our guide to what to expect at a funeral explains more about the service itself and the different ways family and friends may take part.

How to finish

A good ending does not need to summarise the person’s entire life.

You might return to the thought or story you used at the beginning. You could say what they taught you, what you will remember or what you hope others will carry with them.

Sometimes the simplest ending is the strongest: “We will miss her more than we can say, and we will always be grateful that she was part of our lives.”

Or you may prefer to address the person directly: “Thank you for everything, Dad. We will miss you, and we will keep telling your stories.”

Use words that feel natural to you. There is no required form of goodbye.

It does not have to be perfect

A eulogy is not judged like a speech at work or a piece of writing submitted for publication.

Nobody will be counting the pauses, looking for a forgotten date or wondering whether another word would have sounded better. They will be listening for the person they knew.

If your tribute is honest, recognisable and spoken with care, it will have done what it needed to do.